The Most Marketable Movie of Our Time

Remember when that movie, Righteous Kill, only had one thing going for it. The fact that Ne Niro and Pacino were buddies in it and actually had scenes together.

Well I still didn't see the movie, most people didn't see the movie, but the idea of them hanging out seems pretty cool on the surface.

That is until I heard about The Expendables.

Check out the cast list:

• Sylvester Stallone (this is his baby after all)
• Jason Statham (has never been anything less than badass, whether his movies are good or not)
• Mickey Rourke (A walking pillar of comeback badassness, best part of Sin City and of course, The Wrestler)
• Arnold Schwarzenegger (Yes its weird that he's a governor, but he's still the most badass terminator of all time)
• Jet Li (Didn't quit movies after all, just a specific Kung Fu genre... so he is back to basically lay down some badass ninja-type beats)
• Dolph Lundgren (maybe him and Stallone will have a badass boxing re-match?)
• Danny Trejo (which is actually Danny Motherfuckin' Badasssss Trejo in our language)
• And of course, Charisma Carpenter (oh yeah, that chick from Buffy who wasn't Buffy)

To top all that off, there is a rumour that Bruce Willis will be taking the place of 50 Cent in the cast. Jesus.

So what are all these crazy characters up to? They are going to stop a dictator in some country that isn't America.

Now, it may be premature to be calling this the single greatest film to ever be created by humans, but I have a feeling that this is going to be the single greatest film to ever be created by humans.

I would not want to be a dictator right about now.

Nu-Advertising

Celebrity Apprentice is over and done with. But there are still various bad tastes left in my mouth.

One of them is the taste of "viral video". The company All wanted the teams to make viral videos to get the news out about their detergent blah blah blah. The video with Jesse James at least had a bit of the spirit of what could become a viral video (people love midgits partying with Jesse James) but of course it comes across as forced (although not as completely loopy as the other video which was just some cowboy's idea of a dirty joke).

I can't even find any real versions of the videos on YouTube to post for people that want to see them. I apologize.

But what made me the angriest was that companies try to apply the old maketing strategies to the YouTube and internet frontiers. If that worked, people would just be watching commercials on YouTube. Guess what, that already happens, but more often than not, its a fluke, or just because something was particularly hilarious or embaressing about the ad. Not because the marketing was spot on and because the demographic was pandered to... and especially not because the product was properly branded.

I was skeptical that people could intentionally make internet friendly ads. Ads that were conciously in the spirit of weird online videos, and still promote a product or company... but I might be wrong.

Here are a couple of videos that were put together as online viral video advertising.






Neither of those could be put on any television channel before 3am and after 6am. Both are brilliant. They take their subject, point out something ridiculous about them and play it out to amazing levels of irony. YouTube fucking loves irony.

While I'm not sure that the clients for these advertisers understand exactly what they are being put through, I think its great to see people taking chances into something entertaining, than shoving another billboard / tv commercial / magazine ad / banner ad (web and phone) / product placement into my face. Less irritation is more better.

Why Fallout 3 DLC Doesn't Work (at least for me)

Like many Fallout 3 fans, I am excited today because the new DLC (DownLoadable Content in case my blog has readers that aren't avid gaming nerds... or readers at all) expansion Broken Steel is released. Its the DLC we've all been waiting for because it raises the level cap, adds new perks, expands the game after the final mission and removing the hard ending so you can continue to quest after it.

All of those things are great, but after finally putting in the time just yesturday to finish The Pitt, I realize that the spirit of the Fallout 3 DLC is just kinda... wrong.

Some background:

Operation Anchorage
Keep in mind that everything that I'm going to say about Operation Anchorage is heresy. I haven't downloaded it because it was very poorly reviewed and everyone said that it changed Fallout 3 (at least for the mission) into a much more standard and bland, first person shooter.

The Pitt
The consensus seemed to be "It sure beats Operation Anchorage" but everyone also seemed to agree that there was something missing. I myself had started the Pitt weeks ago but lost interest and didn't finish it until yesturday. It took me a while to figure out why... and it lead me to realize why the new expansion, Broken Steel, will feel like a disappointment to me as well.

Here are the reasons:

1. I'm kinda bored of Fallout 3. I've adventured through the wasteland. Its eaten up a great deal of my time. I've met the different companions, I've lived various different roles from grenadier to scientist to assassin to scoundrel. I know what all the perks do. I've discovered all the quests and seen all the places with at least one character. Maybe Fallout 3 can't just hold my attention like it used to for the new DLC.
   
2. The fun of exploring. The Capital Wasteland is a huge place and it is brimming with character. When you start out you either try to follow the main quest, or head in any number of other directions. As you wander aimlessly you are bound to run into something shocking/surprising/magnificent/valuable. Even when no quests are attached, you are drawn to explore small towns (that may be full of cannibals), vaults (that may be filled with crazy clones), caves (that may be filled with children that like to swear) etc. The point is that quite often, you just don't know what you are going to run into. With the DLC, you download it if you think its going to be fun, but you have to know something about it. You know that Operation Anchorage is about a computer simulation (meanwhile, running into a computer simulation in the original Fallout 3 is one of the most memorable and surprising parts of the game). You also know that The Pitt is about slaves and slavers (an issue you've already dealt with at Paradise Falls where it was still shocking to run into an entire town of slavers). I don't know about Operation Anchorage, but I think I can count only one sort of suprise in The Pitt.
   
3. Linearity. Fallout 3 is a non linear game. The second you are out of the vault you can go anywhere in the world. In fact, if you happen to stumble upon certain locations involved in the main quest, you can skip huge chunks of it. But both DLC packs are linear beyond belief, going from one quest point to the next without any sense of wandering off to discover surprising new places. The Pitt sort of tries with the Steelyard, but its ultimately just a scavengerhunt. But it is of course by its very nature as a questline that it has to do that, but its why DLC for Fallout 3 just doesn't work. I feel like I have to do The Pitt because it is bought and paid for. Any of the other questlines in Fallout 3 I can choose to skip or indulge in. And I can leave it part way through if I get distracted by something shiny (not true of The Pitt or Operation Anchorage).
   
4. Changes motivations. In Fallout 3 you can choose what motivates you. Whether you are just looking to get rich and murdering a few merchants is how you are going to get there, or whether you are a do gooder trying to make the Wasteland a better place, you can skip any quests you don't think fits with your character. But after you pay extra money for a questline its no longer about how it fits your character, it becomes "I have to beat this questline now because I paid for it and it gives me these rewards." The rewards are nice in the case of all the DLC, but it ends up feeling like that was the reason I bought it. I pay Windows Live so that I can do some tasks and get some sweet weapons for me to use in the "real" game.
   

So there you have it. Ultimately the DLC takes away the magic of the original Fallout 3 as a whole, and it makes me sad. Maybe the PS3 owners who got screwed over with no DLC, have the best version of all.

What am I saying? Level cap to 30 baby!

The Recession vs. Swine Flu

I think its safe to say that we're all pretty bored with terrorism, the environment, school violence (unless you actually face school violence every day, but the middle classes concern for it has gone wayside), which is usually from the media's savvy ability to make us totally sick of an issue by bombarding us with it, and then moving on to something else that will reak misery into our lives.

Yeah, people still care, but there are scarier things out there. RECESSION! SWINE FLU!

But which one can win our fears over?

How it affects us:


Recessions wins this one. They say almost everyone knows somebody that has lost their job or had their hours/wages cut back. Everybody is cutting back "just in case" whether that means not buying that new luxery sedan, or skipping a few meals a week in order to afford rent at the end of the month. Swine flu, unless you are Mexican, has only affected a handful of people in any country. Odds are you don't know them.

Relative level of deadliness:


Swine flu wins this one. It can KILL YOU! If you are healthy and not too young and not too old, you probably aren't going to die. But people are dying, and more people are probably going to die, and nobody wants to be those people. The recession isn't likely to kill you. Some people might commit suicide if things get bad enough, but most people are pretty good at avoiding suicide. You might have to borrow and beg for cash in order to afford kraft dinner, but unless we are talking about long term health effects of eating poorly and stress (and really, who in North America other than health nuts are worried about long term health effects) the recession isn't going to kill you.

Perceived inability to avoid:


Recession wins. The whole problem is that people feel powerless and the only thing anybody can do is cut back spending and pray for their jobs to still be there tomorrow. Job losses are growing every month with no end in sight, so everyone is either afraid of unemployment, or already unemployed. People can try working longer and harder for less pay, but that is what everyone is doing. Swine flu, people are pretty sure they can just keep washing their hands and not making out with people travelling from Mexico to avoid it.

Newness:


Swine flu wins this one big. People are sick of the recession and sick of hearing another story about job losses and stocks plummeting. Yeah, the economy is bad, no shit. But the swine flu is new, and continuing to ramp up. The news just told me now that swine flu is approaching phase 5 of being and epidemic. Whatever the hell that means, it sounds scary. What it means to the average viewer is that things are getting worse. Fears should ramp up accordingly.

So, 2 points for recession and 2 points for swine flu.

Going to the tie breaker: Amount of time Obama spends talking about it to reporters


This value can, of course, change day to day. So depending on the day our fears should reflect Obama's remarks accordingly.

Gaming That Doesn't Have To Make Sense

Gaming is a very different world than from "when I was a kid" times. Video gaming has for years now kicked the ass of every other form of entertainment, which included the once mighty music and movie industries.

But of course my parents made sure to tell me for years that v-idiot games (as they called them) were wastes of time. It was probably my most strongly developed skill as a child (living as an only child in the country with parents that didn't like to do much) and I should probably just give in and take a programming course to follow what should have been my dream all along... but I digress.

My main concern with the current world of video games is how it (and anything marketable, really) ends up becoming a bloated industry full of glossy shininess and ever increasing technological advances. But like Hollywood before it, the advances are in special effects, making things pretty, and ramping up the action in any way possible. Oh, and of course, give the people what they want.

So companies like Ubisoft, Activision Blizzard, and EA aren't exactly on the cutting edge of new gameplay experiences. Blizzard has yet to release a game I don't love, but the also have yet to release a game that doesn't have Diablo, Warcraft or Starcraft in the name... well okay... way back in the day they did, but I can't find The Lost Vikings and Rock and Roll Racing on their website.


On my Wii, we've got some great games that include Mario Galaxy, Mario Kart, Super Smash Brothers, Zelda, Metroid... all stuff we've seen before. On other systems there's Grand Theft Auto 4, Gears of War 2, Fable 2, Resistance 2, Killzone 2.

The only sports game that has any kind of major innovation since the super nintendo is Pro Evolution on the Wii. Everyone is just relying on tweaks and graphical upgrades to existing franchises.

But I've ranted about how boring games are these days long enough... what is exciting now is that there's a new indie movement in games that is gaining speed through sources like Valve's Steam, Nintendo's Wiiware, and XBox Live and PS3's whatever thingie.

World of Goo is huge and amazing and everyone loves it. Its of course the magical story of the little game that could. But to me, its still just a puzzle game.


The Path. This is a game that has me intrigued. I haven't even gotten a chance to play it but from what I can get out of it, it is apparently kind of like playing through a David Lynch movie. Its more about mood and feeling than any kind of story whatsoever. It is all just discovery.


But maybe walking around as tainted red riding hood isn't your thing and you need some action. A game that I have gotten a chance to play is Zeno Clash.


The game begins with you having just killed your father-mother (note that it is a single hermaphroditic entity) and you have to puch your way through some of the most bizarre environments, enemies and plot points ever seen in a game.

That thing is a mom and a dad.

So while, like most people who write, my dream is to write either a novel or a screenplay... odds are video games are going to be the place of choice for tomorrows creative minds.

What it Means to be Unmarketable

I created this blog in the interest of it being unmarketable. This is mostly due to my fear of rejection, because if I aspired to make a marketable blog then in the event of it being a bust, my ego would take a crushing blow that I would rather not be involved with.

Marketable blogs have clear themes.

At LOLCats you are guaranteed to see an adorable cat of some kind talking like a Warcraft III player.

At XKCD you are guaranteed to see ecclectic stick people deal with math, science, Pearl, and love.

At The Hater, you are guaranteed some hate.

At Failblog you will see some epic failure.

At my tiny little niche of the web, nothing is guaranteed. It is simply a collection of musings of one person, just like the vast majority of blogs that are out there that owe a modest readership to friends and friends of friends... and occasionally some weird dude from Sweden.

The tone of the blog isn't even clear. Some posts are just for fun, others are important issues. Its that inconsistancy that will keep this blog in obscurity. But that is alright.

I'm not a man who revels in obscurity, and if I could be a famous blogger that didn't have to resort to any kind of day job, that would be amazing.

But I'm not. Because I don't think I'm that good yet.

I plan on being good. But I'm too wordy at times and am too lazy to check over my posts. I like being able to write about whatever I feel like despite hating going through most people's failed attempts at trying to interest people with their blog entries about their breakfast or pet.

I had yogurt for breakfast, and my pet is an orchid that refuses to flower anymore.

Things People Don't Understand: Ghosts

Since they came out with an iPhone application, every day I have been enjoying listening to people endure their shitty day to day problems on FML. People complain about some ordeal they have gotten to that apparently represents how shitty their lives are which would cause somebody to exclaim "F*** my life!"

Readers also get the chance to declare whether "Yes, your life is f***ed" or "You deserve it."

So just take a time to check out this entry. For those too lazy to click the link:

"Today, I was closing the deal on this beautiful $200k ranch in the country. The buyer soon pulls up and we get to discussing the contract terms, soon the buyer asks the seller," Wow why is this house going so cheap?" The seller replies,"Do you believe in ghosts?" There goes my $8,000 commission. FML"

Naturally I assumed that the comments were going to be a bunch of people berating him for throwing away the deal of a lifetime because of the old owner's imaginary friends, but no. The comments are overwhelmingly supportive.

The website is almost designed for people to just berate people that have had a crappy time in life, but when it comes to ghosts, people are suddenly concerned with their well being.

Now I guess I've suspected it for a while, but I never wanted to believe it myself:

People are watching Ghost Hunters, Paranormal State, A Haunting, etc., not because they like to laugh at it ironically, but because they believe that these people are dealing with the important issues of our time!

Lets take a look at some of the facts about ghosts.

1. They only show up to believers
Just like every imaginary friend a child ever has. But that is when you say:

2. Kids are especially sensetive to ghosts
Kids are more likely to "see" things in a dark forest, closet or under the bed, yes. Guess what, its a beneficial trait for a small child to not want to go into the dark woods or small dark areas. They could get eaten by lions or bears, at least traditionally. Back in tribal times, if a kid believed in ghosts he would get eaten less than a kid who liked to wander away from his family, hence the "wander away from family" gene didn't survive as well as the "believe in scary monsters" gene.

3. Why would anybody lie about being haunted?
Some people lie about ghosts for attention, but I believe that is the vast minority. I think most people really do believe they are being haunted, just like kids really believe that there are monsters in their closet or invisible friends if they are bored and living in an understimulating environment (many ghosts appear to kids in old farm houses, isolated from other kids and needing stimulation).

4. Ghosts have been seen in pictures
No they haven't.


There sure seem to be a lot of scary ghosts in that picture above. But wait...

Turns out the sun is shooting ghosts right through that fish! Its a lens flare. It happens in digital photography. The orbs in the first picture above are from all the irregular reflections of the flash against snow. But wait, you say! What about before digital photography? My old film camera used to get pictures of "ghosts" all the time. It was because the camera had seen better days, it was broken and light was able to get inside. Plus the film could be old and degraded allowing for imperfections.

5. Sometimes people get the feeling they are being watched
Have you ever walked down a back alley at night? Especially if you are a girl, and you have your wits about you, you will probably feel paranoid and worry about being watched and mugged. Creepy places make people feel uneasy. Odds are more people have died in my condo building than any given farmhouse, but it isn't creepy and its very well maintained, so nobody assumes that it is haunted.

Now lots of people have that "you can't possible explain away this particular crazy event" and given enough time and clarity about the event in question, but I'm sure I could, but ultimately, you have a really cool story to tell your friends. So don't let me ruin that for you.

Things That Don't Suck: Norm McDonald

Here are a list of surefire ways to polarize a room:

1. Religion
2. Politics
3. Abortion
4. Norm McDonald


He was in my city this past week doing standup, and I didn't know until the day of due to a friend who may or may not be more obsessed with Norm than myself.

To put things into context, I hate standup comedy, and most standup comedians. I went to a school where there was a comedy program and watched as people, who I had thought were very funny up until that point, turned into the same carbon copy standup comedian that pollutes the comedy clubs every night.

Some are naturally better than others, and a truly adept standup comic can have me in stiches, but for the most part the jokes are a formula. Everything, right down to how comedians time their jokes, I've seen before. People just find something that works and go with it.

Which is why I love Norm McDonald. He takes things that don't work, and makes them funny. The most dramatic case in point:

While the rest of the world tries to outgross, and outswear each other, Norm makes a mockery of the whole process. You either hate him because he's telling bad jokes, or you love him because he dares to tell bad jokes. And you would be hard pressed to find a better bad joke teller.

But after years and years since seeing Dirty Work, and actually enjoying Weekend Update, I wasn't sure if it was a time or a place thing. Humour doesn't age well and oftentimes that counts for comedians as well (Mike Myers, Jim Carrey, Adam Sandler... I'm looking at you), so there was some fear in my heart going to see one of my childhood favourites, Norm McDonald, doing standup (you now know my feelings on that).

I can't remember the last time I laughed so hard.

Even his "Its great to be here" got laughs, since it was at a dank comedy club and Norm always sounds insincere. But his observational humour, insincerity and neuroticism had never been better. It was the feeling of seeing a successful indie movie that hasn't been script doctored into the Hollywood oblivion. It all felt fresh, and it was a welcome departure from the norm (pardon the pun, since in pun form, it hurts my argument).

I can't find anything online that does that show justice, so I'll leave you with another clip of Norm bombing based on a crowd that doesn't understand him (and him secretly seeming to love it).

Things People Don't Understand: Carbon Dioxide Pt 1

If you are like me you are sick of hearing about your carbon footprint. It kind of epitimizes the douchiness that I hate in environmentalists. Its passive-aggressive and gets thrown around abundantly in accusatory conversation.


And, of course, the self-righteousness leads douches on the flip side of the coin to make t-shirts.

So carbon is evil right? No, wait, we're carbon based lifeforms. So Its good, right? But there's tons of it in the air (but its in the air, meaning there is no weight... right?).

Lets start at the beginning. People discovered the power of this magical reaction, combustion. Combustion provides a huge amount of our power in almost all vehicles of any kind and from many power plants. Scientifically, in a "perfect" combustion reaction, hydrogen (H2) and oxygen (O2) come together and make water vapour, and some sweet sweet energy.

2(H2) + O2 -> 2(H2O)g + heat

Even environmentalists love this reaction, since it makes more water and we can always use more water. But, in the real world, its hard to make hydrogen and oxygen just react (One would hope that hydrogen and oxygen don't just react, cause we're breathing it right now.).

So in the real world the equation is the much dirtier and more confusing:

CH₄ + 2O₂ + 7.52N₂ → CO₂ + 2H₂O + 7.52N₂ + heat

Its got CH4, our gas, burning up with a little help from our friend nitrogen. But, gasp, we get CO2. And because we do a lot of driving and power consuming, there's a lot of CO2 in the air.



But if you listen to the skeptics, CO2 is natural, it is billowed up into the air from volcanos, bogs, cows, our mouths. And trees love it, they take the energy from it, with a little help from the sun, and turn it back into the O2 that we need.

Please deal with the following misinformation video:



Yes, CO2 is a naturally occuring substance, but so is shit. When you shit on the toilet, you are getting rid of what your body doesn't need and cannot use. When you breathe out, you are getting rid of the air that your body doesn't need or want to use. CO2 is shit from your mouth.

And guess what? The naturally occurring substance of shit is bad for you. You can get seriously sick from rivers where overpopulation and poverty has left no alternative. And you'd be hard pressed to find someone who is comfortable stepping into the shit they produce.



But of course, plants love CO2... well, yeah, they also love shit. Its fertilizer. Now unfortunately our shit is so dirty that it would have to be well treated before plants can actually use it, but guess what? That's the same for the gas we burn. Its pretty dirty shit, and we're pumpin all kinds of pollutants into the air.

I don't know about you, but I don't love breathing in shit.

How to Love the Wii and Maintain Your Manhood

Its no secret that I love the Wii. Its the system that got me back into console gaming after having my parents make me give it up with the Super Nintendo.

But as a young adult male Wii lover, I can sometimes get some flak from the ill informed for enjoying a console for "girls, babies and old people." If you have the same problem, here are some rebuttals.


Girls love the Wii: The uninformed may think this makes the console "girlie". But I can assure you that the XBox or PS3 is unlikely to get anybody laid, anywhere, ever. The Wii, on the other hand, is a draw to any potential female companion. It gets them into the fun and playful mood. Its certainly better than your shitty acoustic guitar playing skills.



Friends love the Wii: If you are like me, you have friends. You can actually interact with them, live, in person, as opposed to XBox live or whatever passes for an online system for the PS3 these days. You can potentially hang out with 3 friends... or even more if you have mastered the skills of sharing and teamwork! Plus, they can bring you booze when they come over. Everyone wins!



You get to move around: Games like Tiger Woods and Shaun White Snowboarding are just meant to be played with a wii-mote and balance board. Sure, in Wii Tennis you could potentially be lame and just sit on the couch making tiny jerking motions but if you are like me you get more than enough of that for other reasons. Stand up, swing that white baton around. Its far less lame.



Characters you grew up on: If you are like me, you fit into the 18 - 34 male demographic that gets marketing executives all hot and bothered. We love Ninja Turtles, Ghostbusters, Transformers and Thundercats. That is because TV raised us, but the marketing giants at Nintendo was also able to feed us such lovable characters as Mario, Link, Donkey Kong, and Pikachu. If the chance to play a Mario platform game doesn't get you excited, you might be a freedom hating terrorist (except in the case of Mario Sunshine... it doesn't count... for anything).


Gore, if you need gore: While the system is abundandly family friendly, for the maladjusted teenager in you, there are a number of games where you can get your kill on. Both Resident Evil 4 (its the best version on the Wii, by far) and No More Heroes got gamers through the worst of the early kid friendly days. And now there's House of the Dead: Overkill, Mad World among others (though those ones are the best). So now, not only can you kill, you can actually feel like you are stabbing a person through the head with a sign post!

And finally, if none of that works in you being able to maintain your manliness... just buy an oversized and bloated PS3 and complain about how XBox 360 isn't hardcore enough.

Susan Boyle: Unmarketable to Marketable

Like most guys, I enjoy sports, fart jokes, and ignoring my feelings.

But when I watched this, tears welled up in my eyes and I was overwhelmed with... whattya call those things? Right--- emotions.

I had read a little bit of a story in the New York Times and my first reaction was "I've seen uglier" and my second was offense that an older, homely lady being able to sing, was news. But then I saw the video, and unless she turns out to be a closet racist / serial murderer, she might be the most lovable reality television star in history (which, now that I think about it, doesn't really say much, but still, she's goddamn lovable).


She has the best singing voice I have ever heard from anyone. There's just something about hearing a singer that hasn't gone through the Pro Tools ringer that adds that extra dimension of emotion that can't be faked.

And now I need to go play some Mad World to try to reclaim my masculinity through as much senseless violence as possible.

Unmarketable skills: Guitar Hero (Rock Band)

Here is a typical scenario in my life:

Some dude: Hey, do you play any instruments?
Me: I am proficient in Guitar Hero.

I'm actually came into my own with my Rock Band game, but I still use the Guitar Hero name due to brand recognition.

I have a difficult time being proud of how good I am at Rock Band / Guitar Hero. I'm better than anyone that I know in real life, but certainly not as good as this guy:


Rock Band and Guitar Hero: World Tour are fun as hell. You get a group of friends together and your little pretend band gets to rock out to some of the best music to come out of the last few decades. People who don't get why its fun are probably incapable of fun on any level.

But people, like the guy in the video, and to a lesser extent, myself, are really good at it. Some people devout a lot of time to it. Some people drop out of school for it.

I think that is probably a little much. If I think about how much time I have put into these games and think about how I could have probably written a screenplay or two, learned a programing language, or taken up a real instrument, it makes it feel like a waste.

But then I remember... all of that time was free time. I happen to not have a wife and kids and I'm out of school so I have free time, and if I can spend that time rocking out to some sweet tunes, it certainly ends up being cheaper than other potential time wasters like taking up drugs or acquiring an alcohol problem. And why would I want to learn to play a handful of songs badly on one instruments, when I can play an ever increasing number of songs perfectly on three (four if you count bass, which nobody does).

Think I'm gonna go play Rush's Tom Sawyer.

FIRST!!11!: An Observational Analysis

Please excuse the obnoxiousness of naming my first blog entry "FIRST!!11!". I find a lot of things funny and the strange phenomenon of internet lurkers needing to declare posts and comments on posts as "first" is one of those things.

My favourite place to check out the best of the "FIRST!!"s is on The Onion's AV Club (http://www.avclub.com/). It usually represents the eternal struggle between people who enjoy posting "first" and those who resent people for posting "first". Are both sides totally wasting their time? Absolutely. But I'm going to do them one better, I am going to blog about it.

So there's the firsties. Psychologically there's something a little bit satisfying about staking a claim on something. Its the same as leaving your name in wet cement, or being the first of your friends to see a movie and then spoiling the ending for everyone. Alternatively people could get a much greater satisfaction from discovering a cure for cancer, or figuring out how to end social injustices, but that stuff is hard, and odds are smarter people are already working on those problems. So give some kids the internet, and they get to carve their own little niche. Its obnoxious, but harmless.

But there's the anti-firsties. People who get upset by the saturations of every single comment section on the avclub starting with a "first". Many of these people will fight back against the firsts and attempt to make the first comment before any firsties get to do so, or simply heckling at the firsties. The first kind is the most impressive because to write an intelligent comment before any firsties are able to hammer "first!" into their keyboard is pretty fucking amazing. This is of course why it is so rare (and depressing... how long have you been waiting for a new article?). The angrier kind is the retaliators of the "first". Some of these are just as obnoxious as the firsties since they demand "Ban FIRSTIE! OMFG!" because no one has every been able to get around being banned from a website before. Worse yet are people that give long existential commentary about how pathetic the life of a firstie must be. Ignoring the fact that longwinded existential commentaries on internet posting might be the saddest shit ever...

But don't worry, the absolute saddest shit ever is blogging about it.

Things People Don't Understand: Environmentalism

Republicans don't understand environmentalism. Democrats don't understand environmentalism. Environmentalists don't understand environmentalism. Some scientists do understand environmentalism.

So what the hell is environmentalism?


According to Republicans: Groups of people, most likely dirty looking hippies that would rather live in the woods than support any kind of progress mankind has made in the past few thousand years. Consider environmentalists to be douchebags, and often call it a "religion" just to piss them off.


According to Democrats: Environmentalists will vote for democrats, so democrats better make sure they keep their interests in mind. Its a movment that democrats have been told that they should put importance on, but only when all other needs are met (economy, taxes, health care, education, etc).


According to Environmentalists: Environmentalism is the only thing that matters, because the earth and everything in it are precious and unique. As the only species capable of recognizing the devastating effects of environmental destruction, it is our duty to maintain the earth's delicate balance at any cost.

None of them are wrong so to speak, but if you talk to the average Republican, Democrat or Environmentalist, they have very strong feelings towards environmentalism without having any real clue what is going on.

Here's what is going on, for a long time human technology has been advancing without any consideration for the environment. Sounds evil but it isn't. During the industrial revolution the science just wasn't there to understand what all the soot going into the air was doing, and how much contaiminents the earth and water systems could support. After some bugs, animals and fish started to die out, there was finally some kind of indication that what humans were doing, was having an effect on the sustainability of the environment to support certain life.

That to me, is what environmentalism is. An attempt to maintain the environment in a way that can support certain life (the most important being us).

Cause here's the thing, the earth doesn't need saving. We can't kill the earth. Even our most powerful bombs could just make a little hole on its surface and blow some dust into the air. The earth was around long before life even existed (sorry to all the theists out there).

And lets say that we pollute to the point where we can't breathe anymore, and we all die before we can make enough babies to keep the human race from dying out. There's lots of animals that can survive much tougher conditions than our paltry lungs can. In fact, many species will do much better because with the humans gone, animals will get the chance to fill the niche we have left post dying out.

Mass extinctions have happened in the past, and new groups of animals always boom after them, and this will be no different (unless you don't believe in evolution... in which case stay tuned for future posts).

This of course leads up to my pet peeve with environmentalists. They talk about saving the earth... but the earth is going to be fine, its ourselves we need to be concerned about. Humans will die, cancer rates are through the roof, climate is destabilizing, and the air we breathe is chock full of pollutants that are lower our life expectancies and our quality of life. I think that we end up polarizing the issue when the debate appears to be about progress vs. nature. Cause it isn't, it should be about benefiting humans.

Benefiting humans includes biodiversity in nature (the air we breathe, the potential to study life in as many forms as possible to benefit our own) so its not like I'm saying kill the pandas to build condos. But people should educate themselves on the issues figuring out benefits for man and keeping the earth in a stable state we can habitate for at least a few more generations.

Republicans should give a shit about the environment because there is no human progress without humans. Democrats should give a shit about the environment for the same reason. And environmentalists should give a shit about humans, because without humans, there's nobody to hang out and play hackie sack with.

This rant went on longer than it was supposed to. Ultimately it can all be summed up as this:

Keep earth habitable or we die... not the earth, us.

Things That Don't Suck: Eastbound and Down

People I would recommend Eastbound and Down for:
-kids who like boobies
-people who find ironic racism funny
-racists who are unable to grasp the concept of irony
-North Americans who like the BBC Office better than the NBC one (but can still enjoy "zany")
-my cousin
-people who stuck with Arrested Development right through season 3 (but can live without endless self referencing)



Eastbound and Down is a series that I'm sure HBO is still playing and replaying, so its a good idea for you to catch it while its hot and while you can still impress people with your TV elitism (TV aficionados have already all seen it, but you can still impress the casuals).

The best parallel (and perhaps an overly endearing one) I can draw to it is the BBC version of The Office. Both have a main character so awful that the only way the audience can care about them is because their lives are so sad (but even then, its hard to like them because its all their own fault). Both fearlessly indulge into truly disparaging events that are too sad and pathetic to laugh at, and both had a 6 episode first season (although that is standard practice in BBC land).

But is it good? Its certainly bolder than the average comedy, which is something I like. Its not afraid to make fun of things that people are worried are sensitive issues, but better yet its not afraid to not be funny at times. Plenty of comedies are worried about getting from joke to joke, but there were entire episodes that I didn't laugh at once, but I still enjoyed. Maybe I'm just getting old...

While its fun, some of the characters I just can't believe (I'm not sure what Will Farrell is doing other than being Will Farrell in a wig) and its moments when the characters are more caricatures that it feels less like The Office (BBC, or even the NBC one for that matter) and seems to move away from what its trying to be. The love interest I don't buy for a second, but at the very least it certainly serves its purpose by the very last scene of season one.